one mo blog

In the book of Acts, when Paul is getting ready to leave Asia Minor and head back to Jerusalem, he gathers the church leaders and here is part of what he says:

And now, behold, I know that none of you among whom I have gone about proclaiming the kingdom will see my face again. Therefore I testify to you this day that I am innocent of the blood of all of you, for I did not shrink from declaring to you the whole counsel of God.

Acts 20:25-27

I’m just wondering what it would look like if all Christians had this kind of devotion to the word of God and to the people around them. How would our lives be different if we really believed that our families, friends and neighbors blood was in our hands?

Faith Authenticity, Church, Missional

As the world is mourning the loss of some big stars this past week, my wife and I are mourning a couple more personal losses:

This past year Jenny taught a pretty remarkable kid, Vincent. I only hear about the students that my wife really likes, and the ones she really has trouble with, and I heard about this kid, for good reasons, more than once. You can read the details of the car accident that caused his death, and some anecdotes about his life in this article on the sun, but to call him an inspiration may be too mild. The Mount View community is much better for having known him, and it will be a significant loss.

Then over the weekend one of my professors and her 7 year old daughter were also killed in a car accident. Their story is here in the sun. She was an extremely accomplished counselor and professor who leaves behind her husband and 5 other daughters. She was one of those professors that I looked up to both as a counselor and as a parent and hoped that I could one day be where she was.

Both of these deaths have rocked my faith. It’s hard to consider these three people and not think of all they had to look forward to. It’s hard to think about them without thinking of the terrible grief that their communities and more importantly their families are feeling right now. It’s hard as a parent to think that these families are where we want to be, people we look up to as families doing it “right”, and not be upset about some seemingly pointless tragedy tearing that apart. It’s hard to know why God would allow such pointless tragedy.

Right now I’m having a tough time considering how God could turn this mourning into dancing. Maybe one day we’ll look back on Vincent and Dr. Murray and think about how special they were to our communities, and how much they taught us and thank God for the chance to know them.

Right now there is only confusion and mourning.

Please pray for the Woodward family and the Murray family.

Faith, Life

On my long morning drive to work I’ve been using the time to catch up on Adam and Scott’s sermons from Metanoia. But alas, they only preach once a week, and I drive 5 days a week, so I’m looking for suggestions for other free sermons to download.

Any ideas?

Faith

When I finished my undergraduate degree I swore I would never go back to school. The plan was to be a youth director for the rest of my life. I never really liked school, I didn’t feel like I was very good at it either. Of course it didn’t help that I really wanted to be a youth director so I put most of my time and energy into campus ministry instead of classes. So it came as quite a surprise to me that when I started my graduate program I really enjoyed it, and did fairly well too. At one point I even investigated transferring into the PhD program, but decided not to after looking at the $$$ to benefit analysis…especially considering we now have four kids at home (as opposed to the one we had when I started the program). Finishing the masters program and getting a job took priority.

All that to say, I’m going to miss school (I never thought I’d ever say that). I learned a lot from the classes, and even more from my classmates. It was a very interesting experience being in pastoral counseling classes with Jewish Rabbi’s, Buddhists, Catholics, Mainline Christian, Evangelical Christians…and a number of other faiths and denominations. I think my understanding of Christianity has especially grown and been challenged. I got to the chance to talk to a handful of Catholic priests from other areas of the world, and became pretty close with a couple of them. It was such a wonderful experience to hear how the spirit is moving in India, Nigeria and other countries.

I have to say though, I’m looking forward to being done.  I put so much energy into academics over the past couple years that I feel I need time to regroup.  I’ve learned so much about Psychology and Theology, but haven’t had the time or energy to figure out how what I have learned fits into my faith.  I realized this week as I was doing my quiet time that for the first time in a couple years I wasn’t looking at what I was reading intellectually (like I’ve been reading everything for the past two years) but was looking at how it applied to me, and how it affects my relationship with God.  I guess what I am saying is that being in the academic world has helped my intellectual knowledge of God grow, but not so much my intimate relationship with him.  I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with God over the next few weeks before I start working as a full time counselor, and attempt to rediscover my intimate relationship with Him, rather than my intellectual relationship with him.

As for academia: I have to take two more classes to get my state counseling liscense, so I’m not totally done with it.  After that who knows, I’m considering taking some online theology classes that might work toward an MDiv, or eventually going back to get the counseling PhD.  For now though, I’m going to enjoy my family, and my God.

Faith Grad School

Ministry is a call.  The same, I believe, can be said about any job.  What has God called you to do?  What has he called me to do?

The problem I’m facing right now is where to do it.  I’m called to be a counselor.  I’m good at it.  I enjoy it. Best of all, I’m serving others.  Specifically, I’m called to counsel adolescents.  Oddly (to me) it’s a demographic that few of my classmates, and fewer counselors (percentage-wise) work with, but I love it.

So I found a job doing just that with adolescents, in a Christian clinic that pays well.  It’s my dream job really.  They want me, I want to be there.  Seems perfect right?

Problem is, I’d have to move.  A couple years ago that wouldn’t have seemed like such a big deal.  Now, moving means relocating my entire family, moving further away from the community, family and friends we have called our home.  Oh, and not to mention the market conditions that are awful for selling a house right now.

Now, we wouldn’t be moving to the other side of the country, we’d be moving about 45 minutes away, but still, it seems big to us at this point.

Don’t get me wrong, the community we would be moving to is a wonderful place.  It’s a place I could see myself raising a family and spending the rest of my life…which is something I can not say about where we are living now.

The question remains am I…are we called there?

I wish I could give a good answer.  I wish that I could say we all have burning bush moments all the time.  Truth is it just doesn’t happen that way…but maybe this time it does.

I’m writing as I think here, so bear with me.

Most of my classmates are having a hard time finding a job for after they graduate.  I, on the other hand, have had this job, a full-time job at a private Christian clinic practically handed to me on a sliver platter…if the bush isn’t burning it’s at least smoldering…a lot.

So why am I having trouble?

For the first time in my post-college life Jenny and I are surrounded (and I mean surrounded, like across the street surrounded) by wonderful couples, friends and family, who love us, protect us and care for us.  You can’t buy that kind of support with all the money in the world.  Taking this job would mean leaving all that and trying to build it again in a new community.

And that’s what it comes down to:  Are we called to reproduce this sense of community in a new place?

When I think about it that way, it makes sense.  What higher calling is there then to share the love of Christ, as we have felt it while on Circle Drive, with other communities?

Maybe that bush really is burning.  Maybe I’m just being like Moses and making excuses…but, but, but…I can’t speak well…but, but, but…I like living so close to my best friends (you know for the past 3 years three of my five groomsmen have lived within a 3 mile radius of my house, two of them within 50 yards, how many guys can say that!).  Whatever the case, this is a pretty big decision staring down at Jenny and I right now.  If you have the chance please lift us up in prayer over the next couple weeks asking God to give us discernment.

Thanks.

Faith, Life stress

This past Tuesday I had a pretty big job interview. It was about a 45 minute drive to get there, and I tried to spend most of the drive in silence and prayer. It was interesting though, because I found that I had a really hard time focusing on God, instead I found my mind wandering to many of the failures and disappointments I have had in my life. During this time when I wanted to be focusing on God to give me strength I found I was focusing on my weaknesses. It was pretty amazing experience for me.

I am a fairly self-confident guy. Not overly so, but enough that big interviews don’t normally get me nervous. On this instance though I became very nervous. A couple things struck me. One is that if I, a confident guy, can get that nervous, how about all those people who lack that confidence. It helped me understand my clients more who are in situations where they need jobs or need to take tests for school, but are so afraid of failure that they do not take the steps they need to do those things.  I felt that experience gave me a greater sense of empathy for them, and a place to begin to understand them and pray for them.

The second thing that struck me was just how devious the devil is.  All these little things from my past started coming to mind.  Nothing major, I’ve never lost thousands of dollars or been arrested or anything.  But little things like relationships I had as a youth director that didn’t work out, old girlfriends when breakups didn’t go well.  In the end   these were all tiny things that really don’t mean much any more.  But, having all those past events flash back in my mind was distracting and made me very nervous.  That’s how the devil works.  He rarely hits us over the head with major issues, he more often tries to nickel and dime us into either a position where we are torn down, or to a position where we are so confident in ourselves that we are destined for a fall.

It was a good reminder about how the enemy works.  A good reminder that I need to build up my armor through scripture, prayer, mentorship and most importantly my relationship with God, so that these tiny things Satan throws at me don’t add up.

In the end, the interview went very, extremely, amazingly well.  I’ll write more about this opportunity as I find out more, but bottom line is: God was very good.  He took care of me, and I was reminded once more just how great His love  is.

Faith stress

Knowing how easy it is for the distractions of life to interfere with experiencing the presence of God it is tempting sometimes to retreat completely to focus solely on re-establishing my relationship with God. After all, isn’t the best way to rid one self of distractions to get away from them completely? However, I’ve discovered that the answer isn’t as simple as silencing the busyness. The problem is that I know that what I am doing I am called to do. I truly feel God wants me to be doing all the things I am doing. I could take some time off, but the busy schedule would still be waiting for me when I get back. Spending time with my family, going to school, counseling, these are all good things, and quitting them or ignoring their place in my life when spending time with God would not be honoring to him either. This brings up the second thing I have discovered I must do when I am not experiencing the presence of God: stay faithful. One of my favorite books is The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis, which is letters from an elder devil to his young nephew and apprentice devil. At one point he is giving advice to his nephew about the person he is trying to corrupt. That person has come to a dry place in his life, much like I was feeling, and the younger devil is happy about that, however, the person has not changed his lifestyle, he has not stopped doing what God wants him to do. The elder devil warns his nephew that the most dangerous place for a Christian to be in (for the devil at least) is where he does not feel the presence of God, but continues doing what God has called him to do anyway, because when he does feel the presence of God again his relationship will become even stronger. The challenge described by Lewis is to remain faithful to the everyday tasks that God has set in front of us, even when we don’t feel God’s presence with us. By training myself to stay faithful it helps me to better appreciate those times when I am keenly aware of God’s presence, and as Lewis describes, brings me closer to him.

Faith Counseling, Jehovah-Shammah

So on that brisk autumn afternoon when I walked through the streets of Ellicott City and awakened to just how present God was in everything it was like waking up. It was like God just opened my eyes up to all those experiences from the past to remind me that he has always been there. The funny thing was, after realizing this I began to think what a great introduction to the paper you are reading this experience would be, and then I lost it, just as quickly as it had begun. That is what was keeping me from experiencing God. This brings up my last point about the presence of God; it is sometimes elusive. There are times in life when I simply do not feel the presence of God. During these times I have found that it is important to remember two things, God is there and be faithful.

God is there

As I reflected back on that moment in Ellicott City I realized what made me lose the feeling of his presence: me. I stopped being in his presence for the sake of being in his presence, and began to experience him to write a good paper. In that moment I lost that sense of awe at the presence of God. In experiencing that loss I got in my own way with my own worries, my own desires, and my own selfishness.

Bloom (1970, p. 31) puts it much more eloquently:

A relationship must begin and develop in mutual freedom. If you look at the relationship in terms of mutual relationship, you will see that God could complain about us a great deal more than we about Him. We complain that he does not make Himself present for the few minutes we reserve for Him, but what about the twenty-three and a half hours during which God may be knocking at our door and we answer “I am busy, I am sorry” or when we do not answer at all because we do not even hear the knock at the door of our heart, of our minds, of our conscience, of our life. So there is a situation in which we have no right to complain of the absence of God, because we are a great deal more absent than He ever is.

So what to do about it? If God is still there, yet I don’t feel him, how do I experience his quiet knocking? What is in the way? As Bloom points out, it’s usually me. I turn selfish. I spend the few moments I have with him asking him to take care of me, to do things for me, or the people I love. Sometimes all God wants me to do is just be still and listen, but I can’t do it, I listen to the ramblings of my own mind or desires instead. Sometimes it’s that project I have coming up. Sometimes it is the needs of my family. Sometimes it’s far simpler, and in the midst of my crazy life I ask God, I plead to him to help me to relax, and what he is quietly whispering to me, that I don’t hear because of my own turbulent brain, is God’s invitation to rest in him. It can be difficult because the problems and excitements of life are important. However, as Wicks (2000, p. 83) said, “The excuses are understandable, endless, and are still, well, excuses. If we want to enter into a refreshing quiet place within ourselves we will need to have patience and exert some effort.”

The excuses keeping us from experiencing the presence of God can loom large, so the challenge is to work through the excuses. De Mello (1992) provides an answer when he writes about the idea that we all have attachments to persons or things that keep us from experiencing life the way God intended. The people or things are not necessarily bad in themselves; in fact they can be very good. Instead, it is the attachment that keeps us from experiencing God’s presence more fully in our life. By being attached to a thing we view it selfishly, we consider what it does for us, not the goodness inherent in it. By dropping the attachment we free ourselves from the selfishness that keeps us from experiencing God’s presence, and can experience God’s pleasure in the person or event rather than the selfish pleasure we experience when we only consider what the thing we are attached to does for us.

Wicks (2007, pp. 64-85) provides a similar solution when he describes the process of letting go of the distractions of “worry, tensions, pride, greed, fear and a desire for power and fame,” using four questions asked by ancient desert fathers: “What am I filled with now?”, “What prevents me from letting go?”, “How do I empty myself?”, and “What will satisfy me and leave me open for more?”. By going through the process of asking myself these four questions I can begin to understand what I am attached to that is causing distractions in my life that keep me from experiencing the presence of God, why I am attached to those things, and by understanding why I am attached can begin to understand how I can let go of them in order to quiet myself to sit quietly with the God who is always present with me. This process is about a change in the attitudes that I take with me in life, to let go of those things that are a keeping me from God’s presence, and hold onto those things that help me experience his presence with the realization that if held onto too tightly those things may become a hindrance as well.

Faith Counseling, Jehovah-Shammah

Ok, first thanks a lot for your concern. Second, Jenny and I are both doing fine.  Jenny’s symptoms have gone away and we’re pretty sure it was just a pregnancy migraine.  Problem is migraine and preeclampsia have very similar symptoms.  It’s just something we’ll have to continue to monitor through the next two months.

I’ve been trying to figure out what happened to me the other day, and here’s what I’ve figured out.

1. My weekend with Zach was great. We had a blast at Cub Scout winter camp. Only problem was we passed right by his dad’s house on the way there and back (literally within 100 yards of his house), then we got back and he went to his grandmothers (dad’s mom) for the night and next day. It was like a constant reminder that even though I try my best to treat him and love him like my own, he’s not. Don’t get me wrong, I love him and wouldn’t trade him for the world, I’d just like a boy of my own too.

2. Jenny asked me to clean the attic which meant packing up all our old baby boy clothes and toys that we’ve been saving since Zach was little hoping for another boy. We’re giving them to friends who are having boys or goodwill.

3. Which reminded me that a lot of my friends who had girls around the time we had Cayla or Emma are now having Boys.

4. Add all that to my desire to have a boy, and my feeling of loss because we had a miscarriage that was a boy and I was getting frustrated to say the least.

So as I was walking around the neighborhood Monday afternoon I decided I had a choice, I could take out these frustrations on this girl, or on my family. But That’s not fair. I’m crazy about my family, and I’m crazy about this little girl on the way. As I’ve said before, I’m not upset we’re having a girl, I’m upset we haven’t had a boy. Especially when you consider 1-4 above it seems like a big tease that we haven’t had a boy. So I decided that instead of taking it out on my family I’d take it out on God. We had a good heart to heart which mostly consisted of me yelling at him. Then I went out and drank. Kind of like an adolescent who goes out and drinks to rebel from his parents.

The frustrating (ironic?) thing is that I somehow decided to do it that way so that it would only be between me and God and no one else would get hurt so to speak. Then I got home and Jenny got sick and I couldn’t take her to the hospital.

God has a funny way of turning our lessons to him back on ourselves, doesn’t he?

But seriously, I’m ok. If I go out and do it again next weekend then you can start to worry, but the last time I drank that much was years ago so no worries.

One last thought: I’m probably going to take down the original post I’m talking about. As I get ready to become a professional counselor I’m not sure it’s the kind of post I want available for any potential employer or client. I’m considering setting up a sign-in for my site so friends and family can see more personal posts, and leave the more generic posts for the masses. What do you think?

Faith, Life

Ravens are in the playoffs!!!

I’m pretty excited about this. Preseason the ravens were picked to finish last in their division, and win about 4 games. Now they are sitting at 11 and 5 and play the Dolphins in the first round this week. So exciting.

Besides watching football, it’s been a busy week around here. We’ve been running around from parents to parents opening presents and playing lots. The nice thing is Jenny doesn’t go back to work till next Monday, so we have the next six days to sit back, relax and enjoy some quality time as a family. As soon as I finish posting this I’m going to get the girls ready to go to the library to pick out some books to read. Jenny is spending the day with her mom and sister.
BTW: The Ravens are in the playoffs.

My mom got the girls each Princess Devotional Bibles for Christmas. I had to laugh. These are not Bibles by any of my definition of the word except that they do have some scripture in them. However, I decided to get past that and read one of the devotions to them last night, along with the scripture passage that went with it.  I’m personally wrestling with the theological…um…issues of constantly referring to the reader as “God’s princess’” and the american christian commercial machine cashing in on the whole princess phenomenon created by the Disney corporation.  However, the whole process did lead to some really good discussion with Cayla. We’ve been reading scripture to her on a semi-regular basis for a couple years, and she’s always asked questions, but this seemed to really connect with her. It was probably because it’s pink, and has a shiny jeweled crown on the front.

BTW RAVENS WON!

I had a couple seasonal posts in my mind for around Christmas, but a community mini-disaster arouse that took my mind from them. I’m going to take notes about what those posts are and put them away for next year. Maybe I’ll write about the disaster and the impact on me.

Ok, that’s it. More coming soon.

Oh, and did I mention that THE RAVENS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS!!!

Faith, Family, Random Sports